Advice from Mama Bear

The Berenstain Bears created by Stan and Jan Berenstain have a book for every situation. Any time you need to explain something to your kids and you don’t know what to say, just turn to the Berenstain Bears! They have the solution. Going to camp? Going to the dentist? Bad manners? Too much junk food? Even saying “EXPLETIVES.” The bears have got you covered. They have a “Too Much TV” book, which we have owned for quite a while. I eagerly pulled it out and read it to my son, hoping for affirmation and assistance with our new low-TV lifestyle.
In this spirited argument against TV, Mama Bear sets out to save her family from the perils of too much TV watching. Sounds familiar. She declares “no TV for a week” week for everybody at her house. It is hard for the bears in the beginning, but Mama always has a solution. Need news? Read the paper. Need the weather report? Stick your hand out the window. Want to see something special? Gather your family in the back yard and watch the evening stars come out. Without TV, you’ll get back to nature, have lively dinner time conversations, and expand your mind with puzzles and knitting.

I hate the Berenstain Bears. First of all, the books are not written for the children but for the parents reading to their children. They are written to make you feel like crap because you let your kids eat a doughnut instead of whole grain bread with nut butter, or you have done a horrible job teaching manners and now your kid throws tantrums at the supermarket. The stupid books give me a major guilt trip! It doesn’t help that most of our Bear books have been bought for us by my mother. “Here’s a new book for the kids. I saw it and thought of you!” Sigh. Second, the books are sexist in the reverse sexism kind of way. In these books, Mama Bear is always wise. Mama Bear is always right. Mama Bear is always prepared. Papa Bear is always a moron. My husband hates reading these books! At first, I smugly rolled my eyes at him. Hitting too close to home, huh? But one book after another, that Mama Bear always knows what is best. I can’t live up to her standards! Can any mother? Mama Bear declares the TV completely off limits for everyone for a week. Of course, it doesn’t bother her because Mama Bear never watches TV. She is too busy scrubbing her house, tending her garden and orchard, cooking fabulous dinners, and rolling her eyes at Papa. I’m lucky to get out of my pajamas on a Saturday. After this cleansing week of no TV, no one in her family is even interested in watching it ever again! Problem solved. At my house, after a couple of days of limiting TV, I’ve got two kids with the DT’s and a husband who might move in with his mother because even that hell is better than here.

Mama, we just can’t quit cold turkey. I prefer the methadone clinic method. I ration out the TV dollars so my kid can get a fix. Is it bribery? Am I an enabler? I’m sure there is another Berenstain Bear book that can help me with that, but I don’t care! From now on, we are turning to “Little Critter” for family advice.